Come As You Are

I'm Baaaaaccckkkkk!!

2007-12-09T17:35:00.001-05:00

Long time, huh? Here I am, in my new apt in NORTH CAROLINA!! I start orientation at my new job tomorrow. So much to talk about, but no time right now. I promise, now that I actually remember I *have* a blog, I'll update more often.

2007-10-07T16:19:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I know, I keep saying I'll update more, and then I don't.

Big life changes coming for me. The guy and I have broken up, for good. Although I'm still living here (as friends, that's all, believe me), the kids are not. The ex is understanding about it, and they've been with him since this has started. They're sort of upset because they like the guy, but are understanding.

Me? Well, I'm doing okay. Although I've not been able to find a full time job AT ALL. I am working as a nurse, but not in a field I want. Everyone I know who is not in the medical field says the same thing "There is such a nursing shortage! Why can't you find work? You must not be looking very hard."

BULLSHIT. I've sent out and filled out online over 200 applications, called countless nursing recruiters, and nothing. They want nurses with experience, but I can't get that because no one, except nursing homes and long-term care facilities, will hire new grads. Unless you are a lucky one and can get into a hospital's New Grad RN program. But those are full. And now I'm being told that they won't consider me for the next round of new grad programs, because I won't be a new grad anymore!! But they still won't hire me, because I don't have experience!! ARGH!!! So frustrating.

But......there are options. The best one is moving, which I will be doing. A close friend of mine is in NC, and they are hiring RN's with no experience, into whatever specialty area is wanted, and the pay is almost 50% more than pay around here. And housing is cheaper. So, now I'm filling out applications and will be talking to as many nursing recruiters down there as is possible, and try to set up a bunch of interviews in the next week or two. Yes, it will be hard to be without the kids for a while, but the ex is surprisingly understanding. They may eventually move wherever I am, or not, but wherever I end up, I'll get settled first, see if the job and area will work out, then we'll talk about them moving. They will probably finish the school year here, in any event.

I never thought I'd be one to leave my kids for something, but there is not much else I can do. I really hate having my life so up in the air right now, but such is life.

I'll write more later. I promise!

And STILL looking.....

2007-07-23T18:03:00.000-04:00

.....for a job! Can you believe this shit??! With the extreme "shortage" of nurses, you'd think I wouldn't have any trouble find a job.

Well, I have been working for a staffing agency. The money is great, but the job itself is horrible. Thank God I got myself personal malpractice insurance. I basically pass meds ALL DAY LONG to 34 residents at a nursing home, none of with wear ID bands (and due to Alzheimer's and other types of dementia, you don't ask them their name. No way, no how!), so it's a "medication error" waiting to happen. The Director of Nursing is very, very nice there, and knows I'm still new, but the first day I was put in charge of all the narcotics (and believe me, you don't want even 1/2 a pill to go missing or anything on your shift. You guard them with your life - and license!!) AND put in charge of a brand new LPN (RN's supervise LPN's since they have more schooling and have a degree in nursing). It was NOT what I expected, and promptly told the staffing agency what I thought about them NOT informing the nursing home that I was a new nurse myself.

But, I've been applying for jobs literally everywhere. At hospitals and nursing homes (which I really don't want long-term care, but will take anything right now) over an hour away from here. I've had several interviews, and one I really thought was going to pan out (for an OR nurse) but they didn't have anyone to train me for several months.

Most of the other jobs are per diem, and I really need full-time. I'm taking per diem work for now, but will need health insurance soon. An absolute must, since I'm diabetic.

In other news:

Macey had her first accident a few weeks ago. And did she ever - she TOTALED the van. And the ex had no collision on it. Just liability. So, he's out a van. Thank GOD they were wearing their seatbelts. The three of them had an ambulance ride at 1:30am, but other than cuts, bruises and Macey with some glass in her hand from punching out the window (they were hanging upside down from their seatbelts, and had to punch out windows to get out), they were fine. But......Macey has to go to court. She knew the law and broke it. Youth operators are NOT allowed more than one non-relative in the vehicle, and she had two friends. She will lose her license for a while, how long I don't know, but I think it's a good lesson. I love her dearly, but she broke the law, and must face the consequences.

She just got back from Alaska, had a great time with my sister. Nate came back from a car trip to upper Michigan, with a buddy he's going into high school with. OMG, he's going into HS!! How did that happen???

Oh yeah. I turn fuckingforty on Friday. Yes, all one word - that's what I've been calling it for the past month. I still remind the guy that he's older than me (by a few months, but still!).

The other two boys are doing great. Taylor is off to Maine to see the ex's father for a week or so, and Ethan.......well, we've jokingly said he needs to go to Bible School, but for now, he's content helping the guy with all the goats and playing with the new Bulldog puppy. Pic is attached!! She's a pistol!

So....if you're inclined, say a prayer or good thought that I find something SOON! I'll eventually transfer to a hospital if need be, but I need something now!

Guess what?!?!

2007-06-13T16:54:00.000-04:00

I'm a REGISTERED NURSE!!!

NCLEX - tomorrow!

2007-06-11T18:18:00.000-04:00

Okay, so it's been a while. A long while!

I'm now all graduated, with distinction! Officially a Graduate Nurse. And I have a temporary RN license for my state. But no job - yet.

Tomorrow I take the NCLEX - the national exam to become an official Registered Nurse. I'm nervous, to say the least. No matter who you are, you walk out of the exam KNOWING you failed. The minimum is 75 questions - max is 265. There is a 6 hour time limit. My friend took it last week, and went the full 265 and 6 hours. She was crying to me that afternoon, knowing she failed, and making plans to take it again. She passed though, finding out through the website two days later.

My stomach is in knots, I'm in the bathroom every hour........ugh! I'm not even worried about getting a job right now - just passing. I have about 10 books I'm using to study from, but at this point it's all running together. I need a break. After tomorrow, apparently!

All else is okay. I promise I'll update later this week!

The finish line!

2007-04-23T17:40:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I haven't blogged in so long! I've also slacked.....big time....on my emails.

But......I have ONE exam left, and then I'm DONE!! I am all done at the hospital, which I think I'm sort of going to miss. Next time I'm in one, I won't have an instructor, per se. I also picked up my nursing pin today! It's so cool to see something that says "Registered Nurse" on it (okay, yeah, I do still have to take the NCLEX next month, but I'm getting there). It feels so good to be almost done, and with a great average going into the final. I got a 93 on the 4th exam, so my average is a 92.5%. I'll take it! Only 3 more classes left - it seems almost surreal that this extremely long journey is almost done - for now. (Did I mention getting my Master's in Nursing yet????)

My Miss Macey is officially a driver. OMG, it's scary. I'm glad they have restrictions on youth licenses now. They didn't when I got mine at 16, and I probably could have used it.

Boys are good, including the "big" one. They're adapting to the new living situation really well, as well as "farm life". Ethan especially loves the goats and all the animals. He's playing in the barn all the time.

We've been down to quite a few Red Sox games already this year. The guy has season tickets. I loved watching my beloved Sox s-w-e-e-p the Yankees this weekend - very sweet! Who knows how long they'll be in first in the standings (yeah, only April!), so I'm enjoying it right now.

Hellloooooooo.....

2007-03-20T16:16:00.000-04:00

I'm here - for a few minutes! And on DIAL-UP, of all things. Yes, no DSL out here in the woods. I didn't even think they made dial-up anymore....sort of like the Edsel..... ;o)

Life is going well, for the most part. School is fine - FLYING by this semester. I've had 3 exams out of 5, with a 92% on each of them, so my average is an A-. I'll take that. Soooooooo many people failed the 2nd exam. It was hard - all EKG strips and stuff to interpret. We only have 5 weeks left! Graduation is May 12, the nursing pinning on May 11th.

The house sale is going.....not so well. I have had only ONE person look, and that was sort of promising, in that he came out again and brought a contractor to get an estimate on turning the barn into a studio. But alas, it was going to cost about $60K for him to do that, and he didn't have that kind of money.

But for the most part, except for a few dressers and big furniture and appliances that are coming, I'm moved out. Oh yeah, and dishes. And some stuff in the barn. Hmmmmmm....maybe there is more than I thought! But we're here, and while there is a lot of driving on the weeks the kids are here, it has been going well. A few tense times, but nothing that every doesn't have at some point. I do hope it sells soon. The bills are piling up for me BIG TIME, and fucktard still has not listed the property, so I don't have my money. Or any money. I need to graduate and get working. I'm actually looking forward to it! But then.......student loans (all $50k of them!!) start being paid on - YIKES!

I'm looking forward to spring. This extreme cold just sucks.

We're getting a new puppy in a few weeks - a bulldog. We went to see the litter last week - they are so damn cute (but what puppy ISN'T cute??). She will join the two dogs already here, so there will be a very full house. Plus all the miniature dairy goats (all 35 of them), cow, 2 llamas, chickens, and barn cat. Yeah, full house and barn!

Hope all is well in blogger-land.

Still alive....

2007-02-05T12:53:00.000-05:00

Thanks for the emails! Yes, I'm still alive, barely. The move is going slowly but well. The boys spent their first full week here last week. It involved a lot of early mornings for the guy, as he had to bring them to school for 7:30 each morning (leaving at 6:45), and he normally doesn't get up that early. He's a "late riser, late to work" guy, so he misses all the commuter traffic. But they did well, with the only real snag being that all 3 have to share a room until the other one is painted and cleaned out, which we're doing this week. Other than that, all 4 "boys" have now adopted slot-car racing as their "thing". The guy really wanted something he could do with them, and found it - big time! They were really psyched about it, and have been buying/modifying/creating/building the stuff all weekend, and went to the racing track both Saturday and Sunday. Enough that the guy MISSED his hockey game (league he plays in), which he has never done! I'm glad they have something together.

Macey starts driver's ed - TODAY! It will be nice having another driver, even if she's not living with us right now. She does plan on it shortly, though, which makes me happy.

School is going well. I'm enjoying clinical, even with the longer hours. We're actually going to start applying for nursing jobs this month - they've told us we can be hired on a contingency basis (have to pass the boards before hire), but we can work as GN's (graduate nurses) after May until we pass the boards. Scary to think that it's that quick! I'm actually enjoying the autonomy we have now in nursing school. I'm able to give meds and do IV stuff on my own without my instructor hanging around. We've proven ourselves enough, and now it's just patient care and working with the RN's on the floor - who are great resources this semester.

Just wanted to say, I know you won't see this for a while, but I'm thinking of you and your family, Michelle!! Good luck today, and can't wait to see pics of the new arrival! I would have emailed you, but my POP server doesn't work from here (major PITA!).

Off to class tomorrow

2007-01-16T12:32:00.000-05:00

Class starts tomorrow. I was telling the guy about my schedule, and lo-and-behold REALLY read my schedule while talking to him, and discovered class starts at 8am this semester, and not 9:30!! Good thing I checked.....I would've felt really intelligent tomorrow showing up late.

We got a really horrendous ice storm this weekend into yesterday. The kids have no school today - their first official snow day. I'm lucky that we didn't lose power. The guy did just as he was headed out the door for work around 10am, so I left shortly after him. He didn't get it back until almost 11pm last night. But many people are still without. Mine flickered a bit, but never went out.

I'm super pissed off at the fucktardexasshole, but I'll save all of that for another time. Just a bunch of crap that he did to me and my credit over the past year that is now biting me in the ass. Fucker.

I think Macey is un-officially not living here anymore. She hasn't been here for her week in well over 2 months now, and the last time she was here at all was over Christmas. We're not fighting; I think she just prefers her big room and no supervision. Her room here IS tiny - closet-like is more descriptive. I know she's "trying" things - she has been honest with me, and I'm honest with her about the stuff. The big question now is whether to go all out and get a room built for her at the guy's house. I told him I DO need and WANT to have a room for her, but I don't think we need to bust ass getting it done. Truly, I'm not that upset, but only because (and many may not understand this) I did the SAME THING. I butted heads with my mom, and eventually moved back to NH with my father. But she is only 5 miles away, not half a country like I was. Time will tell.

I'm sooooooooo not looking forward to getting up tomorrow, but want this semester done and over with!

Less than a week

2007-01-11T15:21:00.000-05:00

....and I'm back to class. I hope the semester goes by quickly. I finally got my clinical assignment - apparently they were mailed before Christmas, but I never received it, so I called yesterday. I have the same instructor I had Fundamentals with, at the same hospital. I like her a lot - I hope it's just as good this time around.

Big news - My house is officially for sale! I won't post the listing, but it went up this week.

I'm moving in with the guy. Myself and the kids. Happy, happy, happy!

New email

2007-01-04T15:14:00.000-05:00

The guy set me up with a new email account at his website, since my Verizon email is now being inundated with horrendous amounts of spam. I'll be happy to send it to anyone that wants it. I'm holding off on sending a 'change of email' to my address book for a few weeks or so.

Getting better....

2007-01-04T15:02:00.000-05:00

The guy and I have talked and emailed quite a bit, and got some stuff worked out. We are back on track with where we are headed (a very good place!). I know I've got stuff to work on, mostly stuff with the kids and the shit they are going through because of fucktard. It's happening.....slowly, but we will get there.

Speaking of fucktard, I've spoken to him THREE times in the past 16 hours. That's a record, even for when we were married. He was pissy about some stuff last night, and again this morning, but I killed him with kindness (barf). Is it too much to ask that he moves out of the country, preferable off the fucking planet?? Well, until that happens, I promise to suck it up and deal. I did for 16 years, what's a few more??

I did get a good bit of news today:

I made the Dean's List for the fall semester!!

Go me! Now that the syllabus has been posted for my last semester, I'll try to get a jump on the reading.

I'll have more news to post this weekend. Hopefully very, very good news!

Happy fucking new year....

2007-01-02T17:54:00.000-05:00

I'm so, so sad and upset with where things stand now with the guy. The kids are also. My fault - I'm a fuckup in relationships. I am beginning to think I don't deserve anyone, lest I fuck up someone else, too.

Happyfuckingnewyear, huh?

Two more weeks until I go back to school. I should be excited - my last semester. It's hard to get pumped up for it anymore. I don't even know where my placement is yet, which was something else that was contingent upon my relationship with the guy.

Fuckupfuckupfuckup. I think I'll bury my head under the pillow and come out when it's 2008.......

Spring break??

2006-12-28T15:51:00.000-05:00

WTF?? I went to check my stats, and fully 2/3 of the page views to my blog are coming from people searching for "Spring break girls images". And there are no images to be found, but feel free to search around anyway.

I want to say Christmas was good, but no. The boys got into their presents early and tried, very unsuccessfully, to re-tape them. Then came home late on the night before we were going to do "our" Christmas (12/24), and proceeded to fucking open their stockings! I caught them, and their excuse was that they thought it was "okay" to do, because I'd said "maybe" like the day before. So I made them re-pack them, then as punishment, no presents were opened until after the guy and I went to his house to take care of the farm animals, AND we went to my dad's to do presents there. It was sort of depressing.

I had Christmas at the guy's house. It was good, but now because of some stuff I saw at his house, we're sorting some stuff out. No more about that subject. It's painful.

I hope everyone has a great New Year!!

Show of hands...

2006-12-20T12:26:00.000-05:00

Okay, who here has had to deal with a fucking asshole of an ex?? I'll bet there are many!!

Rather than type out endless paragraphs, I'll give you hi-lites:

1) My daughter has not been to my house in over 3 weeks, because there are no rules at fucktard's house, and there are at mine. He refuses to bring her over. I'm not going to MAKE her come, but will be filing a petition for contempt with the divorce court. She and I argue, but only because I set limits, especially concerning this new "boyfriend" she has, who drinks and smokes pot. :-(

2) For over a month, I've asked for the Christmas decorations. Not the ones for the mantle (which I don't even have), but for the TREE. He finally delivered some - thrown in a box with 1/2 of them broken.

3) I found out the kids have not had health insurance since fucking AUGUST. Again, he's given me a runaround about this (ie. lied through his fucking yellow teeth) and this will be included in the contempt petition. He is responsible for insurance while I'm in school.

4) I bought season passes to the ski area for the kids (we alternate years). His responsibility this year was to get those who needed new boards/skis/gear the stuff. Taylor, Nate and Macey still don't have theirs, even though the mountain has been open for 2 weeks. Fucker.

5) He still hasn't told me if the land will be surveyed and listed by 12/31. Won't even talk to me.

6) He owes me 1/2 the money for Nate's Washington, DC trip. Almost $300. Money I could have used for Christmas.

The kids will be here through Christmas Eve, then go to fucktard's around 7pm. I think we'll also be doing Xmas with my father that day. I'll be at the guy's house for Christmas.

My first Christmas without my kids. And all this bullshit is not making it any easier.

Whew!!

2006-12-13T12:17:00.000-05:00

All done with OB!! I ended up with a 94 on the final exam. Happy dance!

I now officially only have ONE more semester left of nursing school, before I can sit for the national exam. ONE! I never, ever thought I'd get here. It's been a very long road, with lots of bumps, and this semester coming up will be the hardest yet (it's a TEN credit course! 10!! Do you know how many hours and how much work that entails? Good gawd!), but hopefully I'll get a good placement. My clinical instructor from OB still really wants me in her group. I wasn't really considering it, especially with the drive, but my friend "C" did decide to go with her, and I would love the opportunity to be with "C" again. She is just an awesome girlie, and I wish I'd known her sooner.

Now to finish up Christmas shopping, and maybe actually get some decorations up!

MIA....again!

2006-12-05T12:29:00.000-05:00

That's me, Miss MIA! I'm here, just horrendously busy. I did finally sign those fucking papers for the fucktard. I just want to be DONE with all of this. He finally closed (and my name is now OFF the mortgage! Hear me doing a happy dance??!) and is supposed to get the property surveyed and listed by January 1st. We'll see.

Nursing school is plugging along. My instructor really likes me, and wants me for our final semester at the same hospital. The only problem is, I really don't like her, and I hate the commute and the fact that I have to get there at 6:15 to take a shuttle bus to the hospital, because parking for us is MILES away. I had already emailed the Nursing Dept secretary, who assigns clinical sites, and asked her for one of the two hospitals that I did Med/Surg 1 or Nursing Fundamentals at. Hopefully I'll find out soon. I've been at FIVE different hospitals, but most people only two or three different ones. I haven't been at the same one yet, and it sort of sucks!

I'm finishing up OB now, and have my final on Monday. One clinical day left, tomorrow. I need a good grade on the final. I tanked on the last exam, a first for me, but thank god I did well on the first two exams. My average is an 86 now, with 80 being passing. I like to have more of a cushion than that, and I heard the last exam is really difficult.

The guy stuff is going really, really well. I'm so happy! Finally, huh?! The kids really like him, too, and I can't even tell you how happy that makes me. We're pretty much either at my house if I have the kids, or his if I don't. It's great feeling comfortable and secure with someone.

My house is literally falling apart at the seams. I've been battling mice since this summer, and they've gotten horrendous, even with bait and traps. Plus the whole heating issue is back again. I caulked the windows this morning, but they all really need to be replaced. No $$$ for that now. It's to the point where I am considering selling. It's just one thing after another, but the real kicker is the apartment house across the street, with the drug dealing by the teenager there and constant "new" tenants, for whatever reason. It is a true love/hate relationship with this house and neighborhood.

That's all! Thanks for the emails inquiring about me! I hope to post and be back on boards and get better at emailing back very, very shortly!

Soooo....

2006-11-21T00:09:00.000-05:00

yeah, only one or two posts showing now. For a reason, for a while. No biggie!!

Here we go again...

2006-11-20T19:32:00.000-05:00

with f-tard. Most of you know who I'm referring to. Once again, it's "Let's-make-Whitney-miserable" time.

He has not paid me the money he owes me for GIVING him the house, land, and a whole slew of other things. He was SUPPOSED to sell 4 acres of land and give me what he owes me from that, and keep the rest (or cram it up his ass, which I'd prefer).

That was SUPPOSED to be done LAST DECEMBER. A year ago. Not happened. He "doesn't have the money to get the land surveyed". But can buy a new truck (or, excuse me, have "someone" buy/insure/register said "new" truck for him, probably to escape any attorney I hire by saying "it's really not MIIIIIINE!").....whatthefuckever.

So, he *finally* decides, probably because of my extreme "bitching and complaining" to get a home equity loan to get the money to survery the property. Problem is, MY name is still on the deed AND mortgage. He can't get a loan with MY name listed on the deed. So, he asked me to sign a Quitclaim Deed. I refused, smartly. I'd still be responsible for the mortgage, but would have NO INTEREST OR CLAIM WHATSOEVER to the property and house. Got that??

I told him THREE times that I would not sign. I wasn't speaking Swahili at the time, either (at least I'm pretty sure I wasn't, considering I don't know how).

Today, said f-tard calls me, and TELLS me that *I* need to travel to Salem, NH tomorrow (about an hour and a half drive from here, one way!) to go to HIS closing, so I can sign the Quitclaim Deed.

HUH???

The f-tard then gets all pissed when I tell him no, cram it where the sun doesn't shine. He threatens to let the house and property go into foreclosure. Fine, I say. He hangs up on me.

He calls back 1/2 an hour later, saying he'll go "now" and get an attorney to draw up the paper stating he WILL pay me what he owes me (this is what I requested in the first place, before I sign a Quitclaim Deed), and they will email me what I need to sign, so I don't have to go to the farfaraway closing of HIS.

Fine. I give him my email address.

No email ever arrived. Gee, f-tard, you couldn't find an attorney to drop everything for you at 3pm on a holiday week, draw up the papers for you before 5pm, and email them to me??? I thought not.

Asshat.

Thanks, but no thanks. I'll take my chances with you in COURT.